Tuesday, October 18, 2005

I've been so worried about my son lately

He's going through a lot of changes as he grows. He started Kindergarten last month and he's had to "adapt" to my schedule, which is hectic during the fall. With my work, school, and coaching football, I feel so guilty for not having time with him as I usually do. I can tell it affects him too. There are so many times when I'm home after my day, where I just want to "veg" and not do anything because I'm so tired. I want to just sit at my computer and look up my fantasy football scores, or just watch TV. Caiden BEGS me to play a video game with him, or play football with him in the yard outside. Most of the time Alene (who is more tired than I am) will end up doing it.

I've felt like such a bad father lately.

On Sunday night I got a call from Melissa (Caidens mother) who was having a hard time getting him to go to bed. He was screaming and losing control, kicking and hitting her. I was pretty upset and I wanted to talk to him, but he wouldn't talk because he knew I was going to be mad. I then calmed down and told Melissa to tell him that I'm not mad and that I just want to talk.

When he finally got on the phone, he was calm and I could hear frustration in his voice. I felt so bad for the little guy. He's growing up so fast and having to learn about realities in life. He has a VERY hard time taking "no" for an answer. I will not give in though. He will literally ask "why not" about 5-10 times. It gets very annoying and often times I blow up at him with a loud "BECAUSE I SAID NO!" He then droops his head and sulks, feeling low.

Also, there have been times when I diciplin him, where he softly says to me, "How come it feels like everyone wishes I was dead". It hurts me so bad that he would feel that way.

The other night I was feeling so low and sad about his feelings. I wanted to comfort him and let him know I love him. I was so worried about him and his future, even though it's a blank canvas right now.

Then, yesterday he called me and just wanted to talk. My phone number is the only one he has memorized, so he'll just pick up a phone and dial it just to talk. It makes me feel so good that he has made it a point to memorize my number and that he wants to just talk. He said he didn't want to be at his grandmas house (he goes there after school) and that he wanted to come to my house after I got off work. I felt so bad because I had school after work as well. I explained it to him and he understood, but I could tell he was sad.

Anyway, it just made me feel good as a father, that he would think to call me to tell me he wants to be with me. Caiden is so important to me. I want to do everything to ensure he has a good life and an opportunity to learn how to live and love his life.

I love that guy so much.

1 comment:

  1. Ty- there are some days that I feel so sad about lack of time with Hailee that I will actually end up crawling into bed with her. Just lying there next to her is such a wonderful feeling.