Wednesday, December 29, 2004

A very beautiful song.....

Why do you love me? Why do you need me? Always and forever...
We met in a chatroom, now our love can fully bloom...
Sure the world wide web is great, but you, you make my salivate...
I love technology, but not as much as you, you see...
But I STILL love technology. Always and forever...
Our love is like a flock of doves, flying up to heaven above. Always and forever, always and forever...
Why do you need me? Why do you love me? Always and forever...

Words and Music by Kip Dynamite

To all my friends

I want to say how thankful I am to all of my close friends.

Roman. You are truely my brother. I love you to the end my man. I'm very proud of the person you are and the person you want to be. I'm envious of your commitment to your growing family and the values you hold dear to your heart. I love your passion for life and a want to make changes in the world surrounding you. You have been there for me through thick and thin and I don't tell you enough how much I really to love you. Keep up the good work.

Tim. Like Roman, I love you like a brother. I love your passion for life. I love your ability to express yourself. You are an inspiration to me in so many ways. I am fortunate to have been able to learn from you about so many things. About being open and honest. About being able to state your opinion with out pissing a million people off. About seeing the world from a different perspective and the fact that life isn't just black and white. I cherrish the moments we've shared in many BYU FB game defeats this year :). I also cherrish the time we spend talking about what we want to do with our lives. I love you brother.

Damon. I have no idea if you have read my blog, but I just want you to know that I miss you man! You're another one of my brothers, and I don't mean that in the way that black people mean it. I appreciate your honesty in all of your life. You are by far the most honest person I think I've met. I respect you a ton for the responsibility you have taken on in your role as a father and always making your wife and children the first priority. I truely hope and pray for your happiness and success in life and work. I love you (no really, I'm like attracted-in-love with you; if only you were close to me..........) hehe.

Merilee. You have been one of my best friends for so long. You have been there to listen to me in my time of need. You stayed on the phone with me late at night when I had concerns to talk about during my divorce. You've been there when I had nothing else to do and I wanted to do something with someone. I know we've had our differences in some things, but I truely respect you and everything you strive to be. I hope and pray you will be able to find true happiness, whatever it may be. I wish I could snap my fingers and make everything you want, to come true (I really do). Hang in there (I know you hate hearing those words).

Everyone else, please don't feel bad if I didn't write about you. I have so many I've been close with, that I've shared intimate moments of conversation and shared many feelings of deep friendship with. I appreciate you all. I've been so blessed to have so many great friends. I actually don't have "a lot" of friends. I'm pretty picky when it comes to those I associate with, so maybe that will make you feel special :). However, I have had some great times with them all. I remember fondly many things from my past with you all and I keep it deep in my heart. If I've done anything to hurt you all, I want you to know I truely am sorry and I will work harder at being a better friend.

Take care everyone, and god bless. I'm looking forward to this new year as I hope you all are too.

His thoughts

He's distracted often, always wanting to catch a glimps of her. Never wanting to miss a single moment of expression on her face. Mesmerized by her inward and outward beauty. In awe of her. Greatful to be in her presence. Proud of who she is.

When she softly tells him the deepest and strongest words of what love is and he agrees with her, his heart beats quickly (nervous if you will) and it tells him that she is "the one". He begins to day dream about "what if". His thoughts wonder to various subjects of road trips, waking up with each other, having children, growing old together. Loving each other.

As much as he is a realist, he's always had an idealistic way on what he wanted in a spouse. Someone caring and smart. Someone beautiful that took care of herself. Someone that could be independent, but needy at the same time (as wierd as that sounds). Someone that would love him for everything he held dear to his own heart. Someone that saw in him so much potential and goodness, that even he was surprized to find it. Someone that he could love back with the same amount of energy.

This is ideal. This is love.

He's happy and he strives to make her happy every day. At times it feels like a dream to him because of how perfect everything seems. How he can't find an area he would disagree with her on. That right there is a scary thing to think of. Could that be real? Could it be healthy?.........Why not? They are happy and that is all that matters.

He loves her unconditionally, and that is all that matters.

Saturday, December 18, 2004

Life is good

I have no complaints. No worries. No regrets.

I'm a little worried though because here we are a week away from Christmas and I'm not really "feeling" the holiday spirit of it. I think part of it is because I chose not get a tree for this year because I lack the space with Jeff living here now. The other part is just being really busy I guess? Either way, I'm not all down and depressed about it, but I'm just wondering why I'm not into it as much. Maybe it will hit me closer to the date?

Anyway, I'm stoked though because I got Caiden this NICE drum set. It sounds great and looks like a mini-professional set that could be played by midgets or something?

Caiden is growing so dang fast. The dude is getting smart (sometimes too smart for his own good) and I'm so proud of him. Its so fun to see the look on his face when he finds out something new about life in general. I love seeing him learn.

So far, Caiden is officially going to be both a Power Ranger and a Football Player when he gets older. He plays with our neighbor (James) a lot, who is about a year younger than him.

I'm so in love. I really am. Its pathetic I know, but wonderfully pathetic. Alene has been so great to me. You know how people talk about "the complete package" when it comes to a relationship? One of those "ideal" parts of a relationship where someone is attractive, smart, energetic, positive, STABLE, consistent, honest, etc? Well, she is all that and a bag of chips. I feel so comfortable around her and in addition, she makes me feel important. Its an awesome feeling. Anyway, needless to say, I really love her. I wish our time/days together were longer though. It seems we hardly ever get enough quality time. I mean, time where we both aren't exhausted at the end of the day, etc. One of these days it will happen :-).

Anyway, I can't wait to see her again.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

I've got a movie idea!!!!!!!!!

I just had this really bad dream and am going to go write about it right now. It can be a short, or an intro into a longer movie.

I had an amazing time tonight

Alene told me about a meteor shower that was supposed to be filling the skies tonight. Being that we both lived in the city, I suggested we hike up Ensign Peak, which is above the capital and offers the most beautiful view of the Salt Lake valley, as well as the sky.

We went up at 11pm and found it to be quite warm. The hike only took about 20 minutes or so. The view was amazing. I packed two folding chairs, some hand warmers, and my ipod with a splitter for two sets of head phones. I was prepared :-).

Anyway, we just had a great time sitting up there talking and looking at the stars. A couple of other dudes made their way up there as well, but they kept their distance. As we sat there talking, we listened to Modest Mouse. There is something about that music that totally set the mood for that moment.

Finally, it started to get REALLY cold with the wind coming. We packed it up and headed down the mountain. When we got back to Alenes house, I gave her a quick run-down on the game of Football. I think its so cool that she SINCERELY wants to know about it, that she's not just pretending to be interested to make me happy (at least, that is what I'd like to think) :-).

Anyway, I'm very happy, optimistic and content with my life right now. Everything seems to be working in my favor, and if there is anything that doesn't, I just don't worry about it anymore. I'm strong enough to get over it quickly and move on.

Earlier today I worked out and pimped my blood. I also watched the press release about BYU hiring a new Head Coach. I'm really excited about our new head coach. Bronco Mendenhall is an amazing person and he makes you want to work hard by his presence alone. I would be very greatful and fortunate to be able to work under him someday (pipe dream for the most part though).

I'm getting Caiden a nice set of drums for Christmas. This is seriously like a professional set, almost like it was set up for midget rockers or something. Either way, Caiden is going to have fun with them :-).

Monday, December 13, 2004

Life is good and I'm about to do something crazy

I'm going to pick up writing a script that I stopped writing a while back. In fact, I'm going to start writing a few script ideas I've had.

Why you ask? My Muse.

Someone makes my life so much better. I feel inspired by her. I want to do so much. Its amazing the change love brings to you. How confident it makes you feel. How different you see things. How complete you feel.

I'm going to get started soon and do something with my life.

Friday, December 10, 2004

You know something thats dope?

When someone appreciates everything about you that you hold dear to your heart and your life in general. Thats whats dope.

Thursday, December 09, 2004

The most truest quote in the whole-wide-world

"I have a love in my life. It makes me stronger than anything you can imagine."

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

I never like my days ending

It always seems like there is never enough time in the day to accomplish what you want. Who's idea was it to make each day 24 hrs? Why couldn't it be 36 hours? I'd have SO MUCH more time to get things done.

I hate it when my day ends now. I used to long for it, now I just want it to be long. However, time has kind of slowed down for me as of late, so I guess I can't complain.

The worst thing about my job is being on call 24/7/365. I don't get after hours calls as much as I used to, but they do happen from time to time. Last night I went to bed really late (like 2am) and got a phone call about 4:30 am about a problem at work. I had to get up and get there quickly. I was dis-oriented all day. I left work at noon and un-like me, was able to crash on the couch for a couple of hours. It was one of those deep sleeps where I woke up not knowing where I was, what day it was, or what time it was. I was awakened by the belly laughing of my two brothers in another room. Russ has the best laugh though (its contagious). He's the type where you could be watching something and not really laugh at it, but for some reason if he is laughing at it, its so much funnier.

Anyway, one other thought.

What is about people that you come in close contact with and how they can make you feel like the most confident person in the world? I'm so confident (not cocky or prideful) that I feel like I could lift up a car or something. Its an amazing feeling that I wish for all my loved ones to be able to have.

I'm off to bed.

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

I'm the king of the frickin' world!

I've been made to feel like a million bucks. I'm shaking. I'm scared. I'm losing control. I'm not tired. I feel good. I must be dreaming. I don't deserve all of this. I wish this night could have lasted forever. The ice is broken.

I'm going to go shave my legs.

Sunday, December 05, 2004

Somebody help me!

I'm falling and I can't get up. My heart has been beating fast all weekend and I can't make it stop. I've never slept better though. Someone rubbed my back for like 3 seconds and it was the best feeling in the world. Bright eyes? Killer smile? Cool 'tude? Is there anything better in life?

Someone help me up, then slap me. I'm scared. I get nervous. I fidget. I lose all my thoughts. I'm not the person I want to be, but its not in a bad way. ARGH!! The "ice" needs to be broken. I'm such a wuss. Why?

I can't wait for tomorrow. I need to S L O W down though.

Friday, December 03, 2004

I feel like poop

I have this really good friend, that I'm afraid I'm going to lose. It is over a promise I broke to her. The issue itself is not a HUGE one, but the fact that I broke that promise is really killing me. I'm going to try to talk to her, but who knows how it will go? I don't know if I should give her some time to cool off, or hit it head on?

I'm sad about this. Its my fault.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

One of my biggest fears

My biggest fear, by far, is my son getting hurt. Not little "owies" like scratches, bruises, or bumps, but hurt in a more serious way. I fear him being kidnapped. I fear him being murdered. I also fear him being seriously harmed. My son is the most precious thing to me.

Tonight I started (I say started, because its very long) watching the movie "Gods and Generals". Its a pre-quel to the move "Gettysburg". Now, I don't expect everyone to like history, but I LOVE it. I still have a lot to learn and have only recently gotten into the Civil War era, so I don't know a ton about it yet. However, seeing the passion and God-fearing way men from both sides fought with both hate and love in the way they did it, made me so emotional. I know its just a movie, but they do a really good job of showing the story.

There was one particular scene where the Union army was invading Fredricksburg Virginia. As it was happening, the Confederate town was still trying to evacuate. In the process, a little boy (about 8 years old) was knocked down from a blast. The father and mother quickly ran to the boys lifeless body, only to discover that he was still alive, but his chest was badly bruised from the blast. As the father ripped open his sons shirt to find the bruise, I imagined my own son being that boy and how scared I would have been (not to mention pissed off). The little boys small chest looked so precious and delicate, it made me so sad at what we as human beings end up coming to grips with to solve issues. I'm one that does believe that sometimes War is necessary, but I also think its evil (a necessary evil if you will).

I fear that me or my son will have to enter war someday, not out of hate, but out of defense. I fear my son having to suffer that pain that most in war do. I would be proud of my son serving my country in defense, but I would also have major fear.

So with that, I went into my sons room and sat next to his sleeping body. He is so precious as he sleeps. I do this almost every night. I whisper in his hear how much I love him, how proud I am of him, and how I hope for his happiness. Then, I do my favorite thing of all. I lay my head on his little chest and listen to his heart beating. It is one of the most amazing things to hear in this life for me. More amazing than the sweetest song, or the most beautiful voice. This is a life I helped create and it blows my mind. My sons little heart is there beating along as he sleeps. Keeping his body living.

My son is truely a thing of beauty and I'm so proud of him. I can only hope I raise him to be a good person, who will always be ready for what he will be faced with.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

I hate being sick

I was totally fine the other day. Went to bed, then woke up with the WORST sore throat and a nose dripping like a leaky faucet. I HATE IT! Anyway, drugged up on a lot of Nyquil, sinus tabs, and even a little motor oil, and I was OK. I slept it off for a bit and feeling better.

Being sick sucks.

Other thoughts:

My 19 year old sister is getting married. She's not engaged yet, but she and her new beau have pretty much sealed the deal. She's known him for a while, but only started dating him a few months ago. I don't know what to think about this. I mean, my sister is really mature for her age, but it just doesn't seem right? I don't know why. Her boyfriend is a totally cool guy, but I guess I just don't know him that well. She seems really happy around him and he seems really happy around her. I guess its that whole protective thing I have going on.

My younger brother got married w/in 3 months of knowing a girl. He spent two years on a church mission and during the 1.5 years he wrote to her (with out having ever met her). They got to know each other that way, which is nice. I already knew her because she was my friends sister, so that was cool. However, I guess since he is a "boy" I felt better about him marrying her (that she wasn't going to "take advantage" of him).

With my sisters, for some reason its different. I need to really know the guy she is dating. When my other (younger) sister got married, i was cool with it. She had been dating the dude for a good year before they decided to seal the deal. By that time, I felt like I knew and trusted him enough.

With Krystal (my soon to be married sister), I don't know the dude enough to trust him. Its just weird. They are still holding out until around March to get married, which is cool I guess. Plus, he hasn't officially "asked her" to marry him, but they have both talked/agreed about it. Kind of weird. My sister is a cool girl, I just hope she is ready for it. In some ways she is very mature, and in other ways, I think she will be shocked at the changes that happen when you are married. Either way, her future husband is going to be a lucky man. She is a cool girl and doesn't have most of the drama/baggage that most other girls come with.

I guess I need to re-evaluate my male feelings about marriage and how its OK to if your brother gets hitched quick, but not your sister. I'll just let Krystal make the right decision.

Then there is my situation. I'm a menace to society in my neck of the woods. I need to do something about my situation. I really do like the idea of getting hitched, but i'm so scared of having a failing marriage again.

I have a few girls I am really close with, some that I think are into me and if I would "make that move" I could be with them, then there is this one who is so mysterious. I think she thinks I'm just a friend, but I don't know how to take things to the next level. She is really cool, has a dope/comforting smile, and is really chill. I still don't feel like I really know her, but its really hard to REALLY know her. I get really nervous around her and don't want to say the wrong things. Man, this dating thing is TOUGH. Oh well. I think I just need to be patient.

My parents always tease/bug me about being single. Its not as bad as most LDS people would think. I'm just glad my parents don't harp on it, like I'm breaking some religious commandment. Their cool like that. Heck, my dad was 29 when he re-married! :)

Well, that is my venting referring to relationships. Glad I got that off my chest!