Tuesday, December 13, 2005

I'm upset about a situation with my son

Caiden's mother (Melissa) came by the house on Sunday to pick Caiden up and advised me that she may be getting married. A little history on her life and marriage.

About six months ago she text messaged me and told me that she was possibly getting married to someone from Chicago that she met on the internet and they would likely be moving to San Diego so he could go to Med school. My immediate reaction was sad. I knew she would expect to take Caiden. She immediately came up with all these outrageous notions that we could "meet on the weekends in St. George to drop Caiden off to stay with each other". I couldn't believe that she would suggest doing that to Caiden. It made no sense to me. I asked her to consider the fact that keeping Caiden here to live with us would likely be better for him because he still has his entire family support as well as his friends here. She concluded with this old saying she's been using for years, "I just want what's best for Caiden". My thought was: well, doesn't it make sense to keep him here?

Well, since she has the "legal" custody of our Joint custody, I figured that she would be able to take him, however I spoke with my brother in-law, who is an attorney, and he advised me that a child cannot leave the state if he is in a joint custody. The courts find that it is not good to remove a child from his comfort zone (school, relatives, etc.) for the sake of one parent, if he still has a fit parent that will stay in that comfort zone.

Anyway, this news made me happy and I knew I could use it if I ever needed to. However, Melissa never mentioned the guy much after that. I assumed they were still dating over the internet or whatever the situation was, and that it would come up in the future.

Fast-forward to last Sunday and Melissa tells me she is getting married and it could be as early as w/in a couple of weeks. I was shocked. My first reaction was being pissed off. I figured she was pulling this on me, marrying the guy from Chicago at the last minute, so she could take Caiden away to San Diego before I could challenge it. Then, I asked if the guy from Chicago had moved here and she said no, that she was marrying someone else (someone she acts with in a play) and that they were originally planning on waiting until this Spring or even the Summer, but that they wanted to get it done quickly for "tax purposes". I was even more shocked.

Here is my beef: She is marrying a guy that Caiden hardly knows and in addition to that, she is hurrying it up for the sake of money. To top it off, she would be moving to Layton, which is about 45 minutes north of where I'm at. This would pull Caiden out of the school he just started and put him up there with her the majority of the week.

Currently our schedule goes like this:
Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and every other Sunday he is with Melissa
Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, and every other Sunday he is with Alene and I.

This schedule has worked like this since we first separated. Caiden is comfortable and used to it.

Melissa suggested that she could keep him Monday through Friday, then I could pick him up on Friday afternoon and keep him until Monday morning, where I would then drive him to school (which I don't mind). I spoke with Alene about it and she is totally supportive of the idea. I count my blessings knowing that it could be worse and that Melissa could be trying to move to San Diego.

Still, here is my beef. I worry about how Caiden feels about this. I worry about him being moved up to a house, living in the basement of his future step-fathers parents, and starting a new school. I worry about how he will do in school. I worry about his mother not doing things for him that need to be done. She never brushes his teeth, I do brush his teeth. Brushing teeth sounds like such a small thing, but that is my point. Brushing teeth should be something that just happens and she doesn't do it. I worry about him getting to school on time. I worry about who this new guy is? I've never met him. Caiden hardly knows him.

Caiden is everything to me. I would gladly make any sacrifice it took to ensure he had consistency in his life, but only for the better. I've lived in the same house for 6 years. I've had the same job and generally have not made any drastic changes for him. Alene and I take him with us everywhere when we have him. We never dump him off on other people, which is what Melissa does from time to time with her mother. I don't like the fact that she does that. If she has Caiden on a set night, she should not plan other things for that night unless it involves Caiden.

Anyway, I'm just worried. I'm happy thought that she is not moving far away, I just wish she would look at it objectively and consider other possibilities. I even ask Caiden what he would prefer and he says he wants to stay with me for "most of the time" and visit him mommy on other times. I have NOT brain washed him. I asked him what he wants and I've told him over and over that it's OK if he wants to stay with his mommy most of the time. He is aware that it is OK and still gives me the answer that he wants to stay with me. I told him that it would probably make his mommy sad and he said he knew, but he would give her a hug if she cried.

I know Caiden loves his mother. There is no doubt in my mind. But as I sit here typing this at my computer, I have his recent picture of him and my heart melts. I love that boy so much. I've sacrificed so much for him and I want nothing but what is best for him. I don't feel like I'm the perfect parent, but I feel I have a good relationship with Caiden where he respects me because I'm strict with him about some things, but he also trusts me, that I will never fail him, leave him, or be in a position where I will not provide for him. I always have.

Anyway, I need to talk to melissa about these things, but the hardest part about talking with her is that she is set in her mind how things are. She is convinced that she does no wrong with raising Caiden. If you confront her about something, she gets worked up and offended and denies everything. She has been on all kinds of different medications for emotional problems (although I don't know if she is currently on anything) and at times has problems with controling Caiden (she will call me from time to time with Caiden screaming in the background and says she can't handle him). She won't consider what Caiden says he wants. If he says he wants to be with me, she will say, "well, he is just a kid and doesn't know what is better for him."

To top it off, she is always sick for a few hours, then totally fine. Like yesterday I get a call from Caiden around 10:30am. My first thought is, "Why aren't you at school". Caiden said he and mommy slept in too late and it was too late to go to school. I asked Melissa why he wasn't at school and she said she was sick and so was Caide, but now he's fine. WHAT? So she is sick for a couple of hours (and os is Caiden), but now they're both fine? I asked Caiden if he was sick, he said he was and that his mommy told him he was. I then asked him if he felt like he was sick and she said no. This is another issue I have with melissa is her convincing Caiden he is sick when he's not (she has done it before). He then starts to think he's sick all the time. One time I was at a kiddie play-place and caiden happened to have a sniffle from being outside. The lady asked if he was sick and he immediately answered "yes" (even though he wasn't, he is used to his mommy telling him he is sick), the lady then said he could not play anymore because they didn't want him to get other kids sick. This was when he was around 3 or 4 years old, but still, this is another thing I'm worried about her doing to Cadien: turning him into a hypochondriac.

Anyway, I'm done ranting. I'm just worried about my son. I hope it all works out and who knows, maybe this marriage thing won't go through and she'll call me six months later to let me know she is marrying the easter bunny and they may be moving to Easter Island.

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