Thursday, December 02, 2004

One of my biggest fears

My biggest fear, by far, is my son getting hurt. Not little "owies" like scratches, bruises, or bumps, but hurt in a more serious way. I fear him being kidnapped. I fear him being murdered. I also fear him being seriously harmed. My son is the most precious thing to me.

Tonight I started (I say started, because its very long) watching the movie "Gods and Generals". Its a pre-quel to the move "Gettysburg". Now, I don't expect everyone to like history, but I LOVE it. I still have a lot to learn and have only recently gotten into the Civil War era, so I don't know a ton about it yet. However, seeing the passion and God-fearing way men from both sides fought with both hate and love in the way they did it, made me so emotional. I know its just a movie, but they do a really good job of showing the story.

There was one particular scene where the Union army was invading Fredricksburg Virginia. As it was happening, the Confederate town was still trying to evacuate. In the process, a little boy (about 8 years old) was knocked down from a blast. The father and mother quickly ran to the boys lifeless body, only to discover that he was still alive, but his chest was badly bruised from the blast. As the father ripped open his sons shirt to find the bruise, I imagined my own son being that boy and how scared I would have been (not to mention pissed off). The little boys small chest looked so precious and delicate, it made me so sad at what we as human beings end up coming to grips with to solve issues. I'm one that does believe that sometimes War is necessary, but I also think its evil (a necessary evil if you will).

I fear that me or my son will have to enter war someday, not out of hate, but out of defense. I fear my son having to suffer that pain that most in war do. I would be proud of my son serving my country in defense, but I would also have major fear.

So with that, I went into my sons room and sat next to his sleeping body. He is so precious as he sleeps. I do this almost every night. I whisper in his hear how much I love him, how proud I am of him, and how I hope for his happiness. Then, I do my favorite thing of all. I lay my head on his little chest and listen to his heart beating. It is one of the most amazing things to hear in this life for me. More amazing than the sweetest song, or the most beautiful voice. This is a life I helped create and it blows my mind. My sons little heart is there beating along as he sleeps. Keeping his body living.

My son is truely a thing of beauty and I'm so proud of him. I can only hope I raise him to be a good person, who will always be ready for what he will be faced with.

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