Late last night Alene and I were sitting in the living room just talking. We got on the subject of Caiden and our worries about him. We worry so much that he is being spoiled and get's away with a lot (being that he's an only child right now), however that topic then lead to the discussion of the children we have together and how we will treat them. We talked about our fears and about "when" we would be ready to have children (hopefully within a couple of years), then she broke down about how she really wants to be a mother.
I felt so guilty about it. I too want to have a child with her so badly, but the only thing holding us back is financial reasons, which we're trying to be smart about. We are working our way out of debt, and have a good, clear plan on when we will be out of debt and make good financial decisions, for the most part. At this point, it would be impossible to support a family the way we want to (with her staying at home and having time to devote to our children), but I could see it being doable in a couple of years, after all our debt is paid off (including student loans, cars, credit cards, etc.) I know many people (especially in our culture) may think we are putting things off all for vanity. The truth is we are not really being vain. We have never been on any sort of grand vacation, we've never splurged on anything large (except maybe my truck, which isn't even full-sized :-)), and we try our best to stay in a budget. We are mostly just trying to set ourselves and our family up to be financially stable.
Would I prefer to have children now? HELL YES, but it's not feasible right now.
Anyway, I don't know if she's going to be mad at me for talking about this, but it really made me feel closer to her in so many ways I cannot describe. Despite our problems, I love Alene so much and respect her more and more every day. I think she will be a wonderful mother to our children.
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are guys more scared to have kids than girls? i think so, for only financial reasons. brock pretty much freaked out this last pregnancy. he was so worried about money and school and me not working. he was very much less than excited. i kept telling him that everything will work out, and it did. it always does. there isn't anything better than being a mother. no one else will understand that completely, except a mom. just pray about it. maybe now is the right time and you just don't know it. maybe you'll be blessed if you don't wait. i know i'm being biased (sp?), but things have a way of working themselves out.
ReplyDeletei'm glad you blogged this because i know brock and i aren't the only ones who have issues with this. think of it in a heavenly aspect. do you want spirits to come live with you and be loved or into an orphange or sold into prostitution in cambodia when she's 4 years old? it happens and it makes me cry. that's really why i want to have a lot of kids. i know that they will have a good life and be loved if they're with us! that's what life is for.
tyler, do what is right. have a lot of kids. i can't do it by myself!
okay, i'm done.
love you!
Tyler,
ReplyDeleteI think that anyone who has ever tried to plan the conception and timing of having children has always had $ concerns (or in the days before money, they were concerned about other resources). I also think that those who decided to wait have found that the $ concern never really goes away; one could wait forever. I think that the most important thing is faith - in yourself, your wife, and in God. Now remember...I said FAITH - that's not the same as KNOWING that you can do it, it is simply believing it; and ultimately, one day when Alene comes to you and says, "I'm pregnant," you'll know that together you can work things out because you love each other.
BTW, I wonder if the arguments y'all have might also be related to financial stress? Jenn and I have always had the hardest times when we were too stressed about money. We have never had an abundance of it, but when we are in sync spiritually, and again, have faith that we will make it through, our relationship is much better. At times, we have even skipped a payment on something just because we were too stressed about it; that of course causes more problems later, but has occasionally helped us repair the damage to our relationship.
Good luck,
Brian