Love

I just watched Parenthood with Alene last night. What a great movie about "life" in general. It seemed very real. I know it was made in the late 80's/early 90's, but Ron Howard really made a great one.

One thing for sure is that life is a Roller Coaster and I just need to ride the sucker and enjoy it. I get so caught up in wanting everything to be perfect, much like Steve Martin's character.

Another thing I loved about it was the "family" aspect of the movie. The scene where Steve Martin comes home after just quitting his job and seeing kids running all over the place like a mad-house reminded me of my house growing up and I imagine my dad really relating to it, however I never recall my dad ever losing it when he came home. He seemed to REALLY enjoy the roller coaster of life when we had 8 kids living in a 3 bedroom, one bath 1500 sqare foot house. My mom was very patient too, although she would lay the much-needed smack-down when it had to be done.

Either way, I want a REAL life with Alene and I want a family so badly. I want to experience sharing that with her and having new experiences together. Alene and I argue more than we thought we would going into our marriage. Despite the arguing, I still love her as much as I did when we were dating. I know it doesn't change anything, but it feels good that despite her thinking that she feels she is a bitch to me, that thought had never crossed my mind. I just love her.

Sometimes I wish we could start over. I wish I could make things perfect and ideal for her. I wish she didn't worry so much about things/people from my past, but that is the roller coaster that comes with it I guess and I just need to enjoy/embrace it and deal with it.

We had a good day yesterday though (in my opinion). We played Fast Sunday Bingo in church. OK, a little sacreligious (for those of you that are LDS, you know what Fast Sunday is). We had a good day at home and being together. I want that feeling all the time and I strive for it every day.

Back to the arguing though, we have to be very careful about when/where we argue. I guess sometimes I'm just not aware, but Caiden hears it and it worries him. He has been a little stand-offish toward Alene lately and it really hurts me to see it (as I know it does hurt Alene too). He won't let her kiss him. I asked him why the other night and he said that he hears us argue and he thinks she is going to be leaving. His voice actually started to quiver as though he became sad. It broke my heart. I know he does love Alene and he does know very well that Alene loves him. I think he's afraid to get too attached to her because he thinks she is leaving. I told him she isn't leaving and that she and Daddy will do better to not argue (sometimes arguments happen, but they can still be controled not in his presence). I've tried to talk openly with Caiden about how he feels about the divorce, if he is upset with his mommy and daddy, etc. He always says he isn't mad and that he is fine with the way it is. I actually ask him quite a bit. We separated when he was 1 1/2, so I'm sure he doesn't remember it and is used to the way it is. What I told him was that through it all, no matter what, his parents both love him dearly and support him in everything he does. He smiled. I love my son so much.

I also love my family. I love each and every one of my brothers and sisters (and my parents) for the unique individuals they are. They are all growing into such great people and it's so cool to see it happen. I fear/worry so much for their safety and their happiness. I hope they all know that each of them are important to me.