This is who I am...: Happy Fathers day

I recently started reading David McCullough's book, "John Adams". Alene bought me the HBO min-series and I really liked it. I'm only on the 2nd chapter of the book, but one thing stuck out to me, probably by chance because it's fathers day. It was the section where it starts to describe his up-bringing and his parents. He starts off by talking about how much he loved his mother and respected her and when it got to his father, this is what he had to say:

There were scarcely words to express the depth of his gratitude for the kindness his father had shown him, the admiration he felt for his father's integrity. His father was "the honestest man" John Adams ever knew. "In wisdom, piety, benevolence, and charity in proportion to his education and sphere of life, I have never know his superior, " Adams would write long afterward, by which time he had come to know the most prominent men of the age on two sides of the Atlantic. His father was his idol. It was his father's honesty, his father's independent spirit and love of country, Adams said, that were his lifelong inspiration. (as written by David McCullough)

Now, I don't know if it's ego, or what, but there is something inside me that so badly wants my children (and my wife) to think of me in this manner. I don't think it's ego though. I think if they think of you in this manner, that you have done a good job as a father and that is what you want. Often times I feel like I've failed so much and I get down on myself. I won't say I give up, but it just seems like I can and never will be someone admired by my children or my wife due to my many faults. I'm often late to things, I don't follow up on punishments at times (or often), I don't fulfill all my obligations as a priesthood holder in the home (i.e. we don't study scriptures as a family or hold family home evening hardly at all). I just feel so inadequate and I wish I wasn't.

With that said, I cannot be more proud of my children and being a father has brought more joy in my life than anything else. Seeing my children happy and laughing and loving is something I live to see.

I often wonder if Caiden knows how dumb I really am. I remember growing up thinking that my dad was the smartest man alive. I'm not sure when that realization changed (no offense dad, neither of us will ever top Einstein), but I still have all the respect for my dad that I could ever have, and I especially respect him for his knowledge and wisdom. He's always been a good example to me that working hard and doing your best, even when nobody is looking, is important. He's taught me to have a sense of humor and try to make others laugh. He's taught me to love oldies music, especially the Beach Boys. Most important, he has taught me to have an un-conditional love for my family and to sacrifice anything he could for us.

I still have a fond memory of being about 10 years old, maybe 11, and being pretty aware that we did not have much money. I rode my bike down to my dad's car lot and asked him for $.50 for a candy bar at the store. I remember he just paused and looked me right in the eye and said, he wanted to give me so much more, but for now he would give me all the change in his pocket. He scooped in and pulled out WAY more than the $.50 I wanted and gave me a big hug. That really meant a lot to me and in some ways, made me feel really secure that my dad would never leave me wanting.

Here are some misc. pictures of my dad or me spending time with my dad.

The fisherman with his mustache