You know something thats dope?

When someone appreciates everything about you that you hold dear to your heart and your life in general. Thats whats dope.

The most truest quote in the whole-wide-world

"I have a love in my life. It makes me stronger than anything you can imagine."

I never like my days ending

It always seems like there is never enough time in the day to accomplish what you want. Who's idea was it to make each day 24 hrs? Why couldn't it be 36 hours? I'd have SO MUCH more time to get things done.

I hate it when my day ends now. I used to long for it, now I just want it to be long. However, time has kind of slowed down for me as of late, so I guess I can't complain.

The worst thing about my job is being on call 24/7/365. I don't get after hours calls as much as I used to, but they do happen from time to time. Last night I went to bed really late (like 2am) and got a phone call about 4:30 am about a problem at work. I had to get up and get there quickly. I was dis-oriented all day. I left work at noon and un-like me, was able to crash on the couch for a couple of hours. It was one of those deep sleeps where I woke up not knowing where I was, what day it was, or what time it was. I was awakened by the belly laughing of my two brothers in another room. Russ has the best laugh though (its contagious). He's the type where you could be watching something and not really laugh at it, but for some reason if he is laughing at it, its so much funnier.

Anyway, one other thought.

What is about people that you come in close contact with and how they can make you feel like the most confident person in the world? I'm so confident (not cocky or prideful) that I feel like I could lift up a car or something. Its an amazing feeling that I wish for all my loved ones to be able to have.

I'm off to bed.

I'm the king of the frickin' world!

I've been made to feel like a million bucks. I'm shaking. I'm scared. I'm losing control. I'm not tired. I feel good. I must be dreaming. I don't deserve all of this. I wish this night could have lasted forever. The ice is broken.

I'm going to go shave my legs.

Somebody help me!

I'm falling and I can't get up. My heart has been beating fast all weekend and I can't make it stop. I've never slept better though. Someone rubbed my back for like 3 seconds and it was the best feeling in the world. Bright eyes? Killer smile? Cool 'tude? Is there anything better in life?

Someone help me up, then slap me. I'm scared. I get nervous. I fidget. I lose all my thoughts. I'm not the person I want to be, but its not in a bad way. ARGH!! The "ice" needs to be broken. I'm such a wuss. Why?

I can't wait for tomorrow. I need to S L O W down though.

I feel like poop

I have this really good friend, that I'm afraid I'm going to lose. It is over a promise I broke to her. The issue itself is not a HUGE one, but the fact that I broke that promise is really killing me. I'm going to try to talk to her, but who knows how it will go? I don't know if I should give her some time to cool off, or hit it head on?

I'm sad about this. Its my fault.

One of my biggest fears

My biggest fear, by far, is my son getting hurt. Not little "owies" like scratches, bruises, or bumps, but hurt in a more serious way. I fear him being kidnapped. I fear him being murdered. I also fear him being seriously harmed. My son is the most precious thing to me.

Tonight I started (I say started, because its very long) watching the movie "Gods and Generals". Its a pre-quel to the move "Gettysburg". Now, I don't expect everyone to like history, but I LOVE it. I still have a lot to learn and have only recently gotten into the Civil War era, so I don't know a ton about it yet. However, seeing the passion and God-fearing way men from both sides fought with both hate and love in the way they did it, made me so emotional. I know its just a movie, but they do a really good job of showing the story.

There was one particular scene where the Union army was invading Fredricksburg Virginia. As it was happening, the Confederate town was still trying to evacuate. In the process, a little boy (about 8 years old) was knocked down from a blast. The father and mother quickly ran to the boys lifeless body, only to discover that he was still alive, but his chest was badly bruised from the blast. As the father ripped open his sons shirt to find the bruise, I imagined my own son being that boy and how scared I would have been (not to mention pissed off). The little boys small chest looked so precious and delicate, it made me so sad at what we as human beings end up coming to grips with to solve issues. I'm one that does believe that sometimes War is necessary, but I also think its evil (a necessary evil if you will).

I fear that me or my son will have to enter war someday, not out of hate, but out of defense. I fear my son having to suffer that pain that most in war do. I would be proud of my son serving my country in defense, but I would also have major fear.

So with that, I went into my sons room and sat next to his sleeping body. He is so precious as he sleeps. I do this almost every night. I whisper in his hear how much I love him, how proud I am of him, and how I hope for his happiness. Then, I do my favorite thing of all. I lay my head on his little chest and listen to his heart beating. It is one of the most amazing things to hear in this life for me. More amazing than the sweetest song, or the most beautiful voice. This is a life I helped create and it blows my mind. My sons little heart is there beating along as he sleeps. Keeping his body living.

My son is truely a thing of beauty and I'm so proud of him. I can only hope I raise him to be a good person, who will always be ready for what he will be faced with.

I hate being sick

I was totally fine the other day. Went to bed, then woke up with the WORST sore throat and a nose dripping like a leaky faucet. I HATE IT! Anyway, drugged up on a lot of Nyquil, sinus tabs, and even a little motor oil, and I was OK. I slept it off for a bit and feeling better.

Being sick sucks.

Other thoughts:

My 19 year old sister is getting married. She's not engaged yet, but she and her new beau have pretty much sealed the deal. She's known him for a while, but only started dating him a few months ago. I don't know what to think about this. I mean, my sister is really mature for her age, but it just doesn't seem right? I don't know why. Her boyfriend is a totally cool guy, but I guess I just don't know him that well. She seems really happy around him and he seems really happy around her. I guess its that whole protective thing I have going on.

My younger brother got married w/in 3 months of knowing a girl. He spent two years on a church mission and during the 1.5 years he wrote to her (with out having ever met her). They got to know each other that way, which is nice. I already knew her because she was my friends sister, so that was cool. However, I guess since he is a "boy" I felt better about him marrying her (that she wasn't going to "take advantage" of him).

With my sisters, for some reason its different. I need to really know the guy she is dating. When my other (younger) sister got married, i was cool with it. She had been dating the dude for a good year before they decided to seal the deal. By that time, I felt like I knew and trusted him enough.

With Krystal (my soon to be married sister), I don't know the dude enough to trust him. Its just weird. They are still holding out until around March to get married, which is cool I guess. Plus, he hasn't officially "asked her" to marry him, but they have both talked/agreed about it. Kind of weird. My sister is a cool girl, I just hope she is ready for it. In some ways she is very mature, and in other ways, I think she will be shocked at the changes that happen when you are married. Either way, her future husband is going to be a lucky man. She is a cool girl and doesn't have most of the drama/baggage that most other girls come with.

I guess I need to re-evaluate my male feelings about marriage and how its OK to if your brother gets hitched quick, but not your sister. I'll just let Krystal make the right decision.

Then there is my situation. I'm a menace to society in my neck of the woods. I need to do something about my situation. I really do like the idea of getting hitched, but i'm so scared of having a failing marriage again.

I have a few girls I am really close with, some that I think are into me and if I would "make that move" I could be with them, then there is this one who is so mysterious. I think she thinks I'm just a friend, but I don't know how to take things to the next level. She is really cool, has a dope/comforting smile, and is really chill. I still don't feel like I really know her, but its really hard to REALLY know her. I get really nervous around her and don't want to say the wrong things. Man, this dating thing is TOUGH. Oh well. I think I just need to be patient.

My parents always tease/bug me about being single. Its not as bad as most LDS people would think. I'm just glad my parents don't harp on it, like I'm breaking some religious commandment. Their cool like that. Heck, my dad was 29 when he re-married! :)

Well, that is my venting referring to relationships. Glad I got that off my chest!

And then there was one

So after I had my feelings of guilt wiped away by my darwinian awakening, I found another mouse in the house! No joke. As I put my computer to sleep after posting that last blog, I walk in the kitchen and sure enough, there is another mous running along my counter top. So I set the next trap (which took a while because I couldn't get it to set) and went to bed. Woke up and the dumb sucker was caught in the trap dead. This one looks like it was much quicker though because the trap got him right on the neck. Poor little feller.

My son woke up and saw him there too. He wasn't sad or scared, he just kind of gave me the "Daddy, there is a mouse stuck in the trap" routine.

Well, hopefully that will be the end of that. I really need to weather-proof my house and seal it all off. I bet these guys have been having a field day with all the food and warmth in mi casa. No more, no doubt.

Why I know hunting is not for me

I just killed a mouse and I feel bad.

Its not like I killed it out of cold blood, like I was looking to kill it. Its just the dirty varmit has been living and mooching off me forever. In fact, there used to be 3 of the suckers in the house, but my brother (Jeff) caught the first two. Mouses, while can be looked at as cute and adorable, are actually very dirty and carry many diseases. I didn't want any of that in my house.

The last surviving mouse was a good one. No joke. The dude was cleaver and deft. He was able to somehow get the cheese off the trap with out getting caught. I think the slice of cheese was too light, so I put a giant sucker on there (which caused the mouse to use a little more effort in getting his fill). As I laid in my bed reading my sports Illustrated, I heard a loud snap and knew right away it was the last mouse.

As I grabed the trap, he was on there, alive and trying to break free. I'm positive his back was broken. The poor little sucker just looked at me with those innocent mouse eyes as if I was the devil himself. I about lost it.

Anyway, I took him out to my trash bin and opened the trap and he fell in the bin. I didn't see where he dropped, but I know he didn't make any kind of effort to get out. He just laid there.

Poor guy.

I was then imagining if there was something like that for humans and if you were to be somewhere you aren't supposed to be, a giant human trap came flying down on you and snapped your back. That would suck eggs.

I guess I can justify it by claiming to be a Darwinist.